Saturday, 7 January 2017

Day 7/365: A Sad Farewell

We buried my grandmother today. I was especially sad because she was by far my favorite person on the planet. Over the last 8 years, I didn't see her as much because she lived far away, and it was hard for me to see her because most of the time she didn't remember who I was. I know it wasn't her fault, but it still hurt me. We always had such a close relationship, I didn't think she could ever forget me. I feel some guilt, but at the same time, I saved myself a bit of pain by not going.

I will always be grateful to her because she was the first person who really made me question whether or not I was overweight/eating too much, too often. She would tell me "Instead of snacking all the time, why don't you have some water with lemon? Sometimes if you have the water hot, it's even better." I was a teen and didn't really listen, but as I got older, and bigger, I figured out that she was trying to warn me that if I kept going the way I was, I wasn't going to like who I would become. And it turns out she was spot on. I didn't take her advice and I gained a lot of weight because I couldn't stop eating. Years later I would lose some weight, and she would always notice. She'd put her hand on my waist and tell me how slim I looked. It always made me feel so good, because I know she really meant it. Up until she was in her 90s she would still notice "You look slim," she would say with a smile, and place her hand on my waist. I miss her so much. The way she used to be when she knew who I was.

As the years passed and her dementia got worse, I found I had less and less to say to her. She stopped noticing my figure, and just looked at me with blank eyes, like I was just another nurse or PSW. I think having my favorite person not recognize me really affected me and I went into a depression where I gained a ton of weight again, which in turn made me unhappy, it was just a vicious cycle. But then, I would sit and remember her water trick, and I started drinking lemon water every day, because she had suggested it so many years earlier. I would drink the water when I was hungry between meals and it really helped.

All that to say, thanks for the great advice Grandma, and for always looking out for me when I was going down a bad path, and for noticing when I made positive changes. I will always love you, and you will always be my hero.

Rest in peace.

C xo

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